Taking a look into the dating experiences of 5 gorgeous black women .
In this piece we welcome 5 brave black women raging from different colors and sizes on the spectrum. They share their experiences through nine questions surrounding their dating experiences. Warning strong content/Images
Jenna, 19
Orlando, Florida
What method of dating do you use more online dating or traditional? Why?
- I’m more receptive to traditional dating, I tried tinder and didn’t feel comfortable. And I overall prefer meeting in person.
Can you give me a walk through of your dating life only looking at the past 3 years?
- So in 2016 I wasn’t dating anyone until the beginning of 2018. From January to March I was talking Alex we were talking pretty heavy, he was secretly living with me for 3 months at night while my parents were asleep. I snuck out with him once but then I called my dad to get me. You see I didn’t do bad things until dating Alex. Then right at the end of April 2018, I started dating Rojanne (very traditional). He knew I was going away for college but convinced me we could make it work, then broke up with me. Now that I'm in school Martin has been my most recent guy, we met at a party. His vibes were good, it’s been very flirtatious between us but it’s really becoming something now.
What are you looking for in a partner?
- I want him to be a christian, have those morals. He has to be genuine, ambitious, and so intelligent that it turns into something competitive. Having good style is always a plus and has to be funny.
Type of partner?
- Gravitate towards white guys or dark skinned black man, curly hair, brunettes. No in-between really.
What societal pressures do you feel while dating/if any? Why?
- I feel the societal pressures of if he’s not texting you every hour every minute it’s not real, or he needs to be showcasing you on social media at all times. Also stereotypes of girls who party every weekend or dress a certain way are easy. But I'm a virgin and have a GPA above a 3.0.
What are the challenges of dating as a black woman? Why?
- The stereotypes, in a lot of peoples eyes we are seen as an experiment, also not all black girls are ghetto, and not all black girls love to argue. I guess the preconceived notions.
Ideal situation of dating?
- I date to marry, I’m not here to waste time. I wanted to make sure I knew the man for at least a year before we dated, but I'm starting to stray away from that.
Best vs worst experience of dating?
- Best experience was Rajanne he treated me like a princess. I was working 30 hrs and taking AP classes and he supported me so much. Worst experience was Alex, he made me question my principles. He also was on the run at the time of dating.
Do you feel your race plays a factor in your current dating life? Why?
- Yes, I feel that when people see me it plays a factor because of the stereotypes will either turn a man off before he meets me or confuse him after meeting and not fitting those stereotypes. As a black woman that likes more than one race it’s hard.
Hayley, 19
Brooklyn, NY
What method of dating do you use more online dating or traditional? Why?
- Traditional, cause I like meeting people through mutual friends. Yes I've tried online dating but it was very casual and we always ended up being friends.
Can you give me a walk through of your dating life only looking at the past 3 years?
- A lot of casual dating every few months, nothing consistent I’m a selective person. However, in the last 3-4 month been very consistent with a guy named Fidel.
What are you looking for in a partner?
- Looking for someone funny, smart, empathetic, well read, with values, and has to believe in a higher power.
Type of partner?
- Dark skinned, long hair, buff but not excessive.
What societal pressures do you feel while dating/if any? Why?
- The idea that we gotta look pretty for my man, things of like dominance, paying for food and women not chipping in, I feel them but I don't let them get to me. Also Waxing sucks.
What are the challenges of dating as a black woman? Why?
- I would say as a lighter skinned black woman, I’m always being fetishized. Lessening my blackness for a man or having my blackness questioned by a black man. With non black men there are so many touchy subjects that black men don’t even have to ask, I try and tread carefully. Finally, setting boundaries of being a individual and not a representation of all black woman.
Ideal situation of dating?
- I date for a relationship, I don’t want to waste my time with causal and I’m not a tolerable person so it has to be real.
Best vs worst experience of dating?
- Best experience is Fidel, my self esteem has grown so much with dating this new guy. I’m ashamed he’s the reason why, I’m starting to see me the way he does and it’s beautiful. Worse experience are men who have their own unresolved issues, I dated a guy like that and he would go off and I’d be there but he eventually dragged me down with him.
Do you feel your race plays a factor in your current dating life? Why?
- Not currently, I'm dating someone who is also black and it’s not really an issue.
Kara, 19
Peoria, AZ
What method of dating do you use more online dating or traditional? Why?
- I use online dating apps because I don’t approach people in real life, I don’t wanna bother them. I also don’t want people approaching me on the account of leave me alone. I like being unapproachable… until I feel ugly because I’m not being approached lol. But, yeah people don’t really talk to each other in person anymore. We learned not to talk to strangers and I think that stuck with most people. Online dating apps don’t make people seem like strangers anymore. You see 5 pictures of them and feel like you know so much about them, just based on the way the pictures are edited, the pictures they chose to display, what their bio says. So it makes it a little easier when you think you’ve got a feel for the person, but really you have no idea what you’re getting into and you never will.
Can you give me a walk-through of your dating life only looking at the past 3 years?
- I talked to a guy last semester named Jonathon for like 6 months maybe. It was long-distance so we just Face-timed. Never took me on a date. He was cool. Ghosted me tho. That’s really it.
What are you looking for in a partner?
- Someone I can trust, someone reliable. Someone who is self-aware, emotionally intelligent. preferably someone secure with themselves, but if they’re not there yet they just need to be actively working towards it. I’ll give my all in return.
Type of partner?
- Usually black, but I’m working on being open to everyone including my past oppressors.
What societal pressures do you feel while dating/if any? Why?
- I feel expected to cook, clean, have my hair done, and basically keep up with appearances. I also don’t know if somebody wants sex or if they really want me. Niggas be lying, playing, wasting time. They bored because they ain't doing shit they supposed to do. So then they go and bother us females and wreck us emotionally because they don’t have they own shit together. Shit is whack, but it’s so common it’s to be expected. You’re “lucky” if you get a text back. I don't know why women are expected to put up with so much bullshit.
What are the challenges of dating as a black woman? Why?
- I don’t wanna satisfy your black girl fetish!!! You better love me for me and all of me. I think many black women are insecure because society, so I think we’re all kind of insecure and willing to deal with trash niggas because we think we’re trash ourselves. That’s what the magazines will tell you. So we have to remember our worth. It used to be that white people didn’t want me because I was black but now they do because they want somebody “thick”. Drake say he like his girls BBW (Big Beautiful Women) now all them lil white boys fall in line. So we gotta be careful.
Ideal situation of dating?
- I don’t wanna get married, I wanna have some long term fun. I wanna live alone, but it’d be nice to have one chosen person to give it all to at the end of the day. Let me unleash my demons on you nigga and let me make you some fresh juice in the morning, I’ll take care of you.
Best vs worst experience of dating?
- One time this dude from tinder picked me up to take me to the mall. He pulled up and his friend was in the passenger seat. He is SO lucky I needed something to wear for my initiation that night or else I would’ve walked right back in my dorm room and smoked a blunt because he got me fucked up and I be tryna get crossed with the fuckery always. Anyway, I get in the back seat even though the friend offers to switch with me. I just wanted it to be clear that I was officially uninterested. So we get to the mall and we’re all walking together, dude makes some joke about how my hair looked like a bedhead. Nigga it’s styled in preparation for tonight, when I take this scarf off I’m gonna look better than your momma did at her wedding. Ok. So then we leave the mall and he drops his friend off at his house, then me and the guy go to a frozen yogurt place. He of course doesn’t pay. Then we go to his house after and he lives in an outhouse so he has a bed and bath and kitchen all in one space. The bathroom has a door but it’s literally right next to his bed. So we get there and he’s like “ooh, that frozen yogurt is getting to me”. I’m like nigga what…. he goes into the bathroom for probably a good 10 minutes and comes out and it smells up the whole outhouse. I hate my life, he’s like wanna watch Netflix? He puts on captain underpants the movie. This MUST be a joke. I’m not against kid movies but can you pick an actual good one?? damn!! We leave, he takes me back to school, he talks about taking me to concerts and food trucks and stuff and i’m thinking like why did you think I enjoyed this. I get out, say thanks for the ride because that’s how I viewed our interaction- he was my driver, and he didn’t even charge me. So in that sense, it was a great day.
Do you feel your race plays a factor in your current dating life? Why?
- Yes! I need to seek out people who are culturally aware. Racism never died. If you can’t acknowledge that I can’t be with you. Be open to new perspectives, I can’t expect my partner to know everything but they need to not be ignorant; they need an open mind. I’ll educate you if you let me.
Danni, 20
Pullman, WA
What method of dating do you use more online dating or traditional? Why?
- I use online dating because there is much more of a range of options for potential dates than with traditional methods. I also think it’s easier and more comfortable to message someone over the phone first than to immediately meet them in person.
Can you give me a walk-through of your dating life only looking at the past 3 years?
- I really have never dated someone or “talked” to them other than meeting men through dating sites and hooking up.
What are you looking for in a partner?
- I want a dominant man who can also be funny, silly and open with his emotions. I also really want him to be able to get along with my family and to get along closely with my friend group.
Type of partner?
- I want a man who is taller than me, and a little burly because I’m a bigger girl myself. I also am mainly only interested in black men because I’m more attracted to and more comfortable with them.
What societal pressures do you feel while dating/if any? Why?
- Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have never dated someone before, and most of my friends and peers have partners or have had long term relationships. But at the same time, I know I am still young and figuring myself out but society pushes the agenda that there is nothing better than falling in love, and the quicker you can get it the better.
What are the challenges of dating as a black woman? Why?
- I think the challenges of dating as a black woman stem from the fact that not a lot of men prefer black women unless it’s a fetishization of them. That is also why I prefer black men, but even black men fetishize dating other races so it is hard to come across someone who is genuinely interested in dating me. Especially as a college student, the type of men I tend to be into are not looking for relationships.
Ideal situation of dating?
- I feel like at my age I am getting ready to date someone for the long-term. I definitely want to get married to the love of my life but personally, I believe you have to be dating a person for a few years to build up a life-long relationship.
Best vs worst experience of dating?
- Most of my experiences have been exclusively hooking up which can be the best part, but in a couple of my experiences, I wished I hadn't hooked up with the person. For example, I met this one guy on a dating app and we hooked up. I thought we would get along afterward but he suddenly stopped messaging me. I had to find out from a close friend that the guy I hooked up with was going around knowingly giving girls STI’s and never talking to them again. That experience alone put me off of dating for a while.
Do you feel your race plays a factor in your current dating life? Why?
- I think my race does play a factor in my dating life. As I mentioned earlier, I have a specific type of guy in mind for dating. Because I’m not really interested in dating outside my own race, there is a smaller percentage of men I can date here at WSU. Also, in my experience, not a lot of men prefer plus size women either, so sometimes it feels like being a black plus size woman lowers my ability to attract someone’s genuine attention.
Nailah, 22
Seattle, WA
What method of dating do you use more online dating or traditional? Why?
- I use online dating sometimes, but I get bored easily, so I have more of an in person dating style. Dating apps like Tinder are fun, but they’re often just temporary stimulation for me. Too temporary. If I am face to face with someone, it’s more intimate that way.
Can you give me a walk-through of your dating life only looking at the past 3 years?
- A hot mess. Honestly I feel like it has been a mixture of me growing into myself and being aware of what I want out of a relationship. But also of guys not really knowing what they want either. I haven’t been in any relationships in the past three years.
What are you looking for in a partner?
- Understanding, Sense of Humor, Empathetic, Sensitive, Open Minded, Willing, Ambitious, Spiritual, Uplifting
Type of partner?
- would prefer to be with a Black man. Mostly because that’s who I feel most comfortable with in every way. At the same time though, I am big on energy, so if I vibe with you then I vibe with you.
What societal pressures do you feel while dating/if any? Why?
- I feel that there are societal pressures that stem from dating in the sense that there is a sensationalized idea of romance in the media. We all feel that we have to love someone a certain way. Yes, I think there should be boundaries and ground rules in an exclusive relationship, but it seems as though we try to abide by this love script. We are pressured to go off of what we’ve seen and not what we feel.
What are the challenges of dating as a black woman? Why?
- Adding onto the last answer there are many challenges that come along with dating as a Black woman. There is this preconceived notion of many Black women to be loud, bossy, sassy, aggressive, hostile, etc. Because of this, some already have this idea of a Black woman in their head before even approaching them. Or not approaching them at all. This tears self-esteem and adds to the dating complex of a Black woman. In addition, Black women are constantly compared to each other and hypersexualized in the media, creating a false image for all Black women.
Ideal situation of dating?
- I used to want to talk to people just be in exclusive relationships...until I got to college. I seems like that’s not what people really want in college. And after a while I realized that’s not completely what I wanted either. My goal is to eventually be in a relationship, but right now I am just having fun. And if a relationship happens to fall in place then that works too.
Best vs worst experience of dating?
- I’ve actually never been on a date before or dated anyone so I can’t really speak on this.
Do you feel your race plays a factor in your current dating life? Why?
- I think my answer to number 6 sums up a lot of this.
I am confident with my Blackness (and other traits), and I know someone great will be put into my life.